I've been a gamer since... well, forever and I'm the cardboard cutout stereotype of gaming geek.
Male, glasses, chunkier than I should be and socially inept comfortable in my own company... and sometimes games come along to really remind us all what the game companies are still aiming for, stereotype wise. Boys with a vibrating controller in their laps walking Lara Croft into a wall to hear her grunt and make the controller shake... (yes that happened, no it wasn't me).
Now beat em ups have always been the home of big tough guys in all manner of outfits and petite women with magnificent mammaries barely hidden in skimpy costumes.
From Chun-Li's knicker flashing helicopter kick and Cammy's thong leotard in Streetfighter to Dead or Alive, a game that marketed itself as the first video game in history to give a fully bouncing portrayal of it's female competitors bountiful bosoms... Beat Em Ups have been the home of women specially designed to stimulate and dominate the male geek crowd.
But, in them all, I think the latest Mortal Kombat which I just got free from the Playstation Network might just have got some kind of award... So, sit back with me as I take you through the official entry requirements for the Mortal Kombat Tournament.
1) The Puppy Power quotient.
Just like Scrappy Doo, puppies mean power! In a direct scientific correlation the most powerful women are the ones that have the milk capacity of a medium sized tanker truck. Don't even bother entering if your airbags aren't enough to save a man from an untimely accident.
2) Agility and Flexibility are key!
Obviously the ability to move effortlessly around the battlefield is key, and, as any woman will tell you, when it comes to both ease of movement and comfort, nothing, and I mean NOTHING beats thigh high leather boots with stiletto heels.
3) Protection, Protection, Protection.
Obviously the correct choice of clothing is paramount. Firstly, make sure you use one of our designated suppliers of clothing. They are the only manufacturers to supply the sticky backed clothing that will be sure to continue to cover all necessary areas while allowing other, non specific areas to show. These include shorts that retain the crotch but are flexible in the buttock area...
...tops that have specially reinforced nippular areas that will never break...
...and of course, gravity defying leotards so self-respecting female ninjas can keep all lips covered at all times.
Finally, in case of emergency, remember to carry bandages.
4) Shave to Save. Don't give your opponent any hair to get a hold of, especially in your high cut protective leotard, nothing says "I'm a tough fighting chick" than displaying more bare pubic area than a Playboy photoshoot.
5) Dare to be different... We don't care about your background or your species, we're totally and utterly tolerant of every woman who has bazooms like overinflated balloons. Dead? You just need a funky haircut and magical cups...
Dental problem? Distract eyes away from your face...
Four armed spawn from the Nether-realm? Our swimsuits are tailored for all body shapes that include Humongous hooters and with four arms you can give yourself a Brazilian down below and on your head at the same time!
6) Strategic damage. Finally remember, there's nothing the audience like more than some strategically placed bloody handprints... because what's a fight to the death without a little mild spanking play?
Follow all these rules and you're sure to be a one woman, two tits, 0.5 costume killing machine!
